Please don’t let me down, because you have become something so amazing to me now. You make me realize that liking someone truly for who they are exists. That was still the realist thing to me, and the more people I meet and the farther I go in life, the more I find myself longing for that moment in time. For you.
Why do I still do this to myself? Its not like it used to be. There was something else, something more magical about that tension of really liking someone and knowing that they like you just the same. Now, its like we just want to know that we can do what we do. I know you don’t like me or even care about me like you used to. Maybe someday we can realize what this is, but for now I can’t. It just makes me sad.
My biggest worry was that it would be different. That my perfect memory of that time would be just a memory; that its not really like that in reality. But I’m more glad than anything that you are you still you and I love everything about you. I cant explain you or compare you to anyone else I’ve ever known. It’s exactly the same as its always been, even better.
The way we laugh and the way you say silly things and I laugh. It’s more than just that, and I hope you feel it too. I hope you also feel like this is something bigger than us and we can’t control it or make sense of it.
Its so hard when we can’t just have time together.
I just don’t want you to get bored of me. I don’t want you to forget me. I don’t want you to think that I’m not what I used to be.
I’ve gone so long without thinking about you or missing you, now it’s like I can’t stop thinking about it. It was so long ago, yet we still both miss each other.. when i did not offer anything. sex really does complicate things. Without it we liked each other for who we really are. and that’s something I feel is getting harder and harder to find, making me wish to go back to that time or with you at all even now, i wouldn’t care. I need to know that that is out there right now and real.
It’s always interesting to come on here and see how long it’s been since I’ve written or what’s been going on since that time. Perhaps it’s that I was so busy, I didn’t think of it, or perhaps just in a state of contentedness or happiness. Just some thoughts..
It’s quite the terrible feeling when you say to yourself why did I do that? too many thoughts it seems, what you could have said that would have been better or yielded better results, namely ones that you wanted. but perhaps it’s not you, me, maybe it’s the other person’s response that will be the same no matter what. we can’t control it. we think we can when we manipulate certain words, but we can never be that person or make them say what we are looking for them to say. in all honesty, i don’t even know why i worry about saying the wrong thing. If I had said it in this way, or used this word instead or dropped the smiley face or used an exclamation point instead.. they still express the same sentiment and the person is still going to say the same thing. we are so fixated on getting what we want to hear, it’s actually really sick and selfish.
I’m quite happy when I think back to times where I was hopeless. As in, I felt that I could never like anyone else ever in this world because they weren’t that one person. it’s one of the worst feelings. But it’s also good to not become complacent and think we can always fall back on people. basically I need to stop basing happiness on other people.
A recent lecture brought up some interesting thoughts: when sex is the only thing that connects two people in a relationship, it gets old. Reminds me of someone who liked me for me as I am and without all of that. It was so long ago and juvenile yet I find myself wishing for that the most. Things are better in that state. We still miss each other.. it speaks volumes.
Haven’t written on here in a long while, I suppose because I haven’t been moved in any certain way. But I feel like those moments deserve some recognition as well because sometimes they are looked past because of no significant feelings of happiness or sadness. It’s just another day. But isn’t this the kind of days we long for when we’re sad or angry? When you have nothing or no one of any significance to be worrying about or constantly thinking about. It’s relaxing in a way I guess. It’s spring now..
I don’t want to but I need to. I realize that it has to be different this time. I need to say what’s on my mind and not be shy or afraid. I need to share my feelings. But it’s so difficult when I can’t just sit down and talk about it with this person. And then he’ll invite me over and we hook up which is fine at the time but at the end just leaves me more confused I guess. But I don’t want to come on too strong with emotional talk right from the get go. meh
Sometimes I feel like you can either be the pursuer or the pursuee. Like you can be the one that’s wanted or you can be the one that really wants the other person.. not in general but in a relationship. Which is for the better?
